Task 2 Essay: Study and Other Activities

by Shahil
(India)

Full time university students spend most of the time studying. They should be doing other activities too.

To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Most of the students would benefit from some extra activities along with studies.Personally I believe that students should spend some time doing other activities such as sports.However,theeir main attention should be on education.

To begin with, spending all the times with books can lead to many health problems. For example, spending most of the times with books can be stressful, which results in depression and in worst case scenario suicide. Furthermore, students who spend more time with books are not active and usually they have sedentary lifestyle, as result, students are at risk of being overweight.Simply,all these affect could be result in long-term psychological problem and laso put students under pressure while studying.In addition,pupils do not learn social skills as not being able to spent time with friends or some events.

In addition,allocating some time to other activities while studying have some benefits.Firsly,Student get refreshed after these activities and they can concentrate easily.On the other hand students brain get tired if they study constantly.As a result, they feel tired and lack energy which make difficult for them to concentrate all the time.I beielve that students who spen more time with books gain good knowledge but to learn other skills, such as team work,they have to participate in activites like sports.On the other hand,giving some time to extra activities doesnt mean that students have to focus on that but their main priority should be education.

In conclusion,Although It is necessary to give more time to books while studying,I beilve that students should take enough time out for other activities to avoid any impact on their health,future life and study.Also,students should avoid overindulgence in extra activities.

Thanks in advance from bottom of my heart.
waiting eagerly for your reaply.

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Corrected Version:

Most of the students would benefit from some extra activities along with studies. Personally I believe that students should spend some time doing other activities such as sports. However, their main attention should be on education.

To begin with, spending all the time with books can lead to many health problems. For example, spending most of the time with books it can be stressful, which results in depression and in the worst case scenario suicide. Furthermore, students who spend more time with books are not active and usually they have a sedentary lifestyle; as result, students they are at risk of being overweight. Simply, all these affect effects could be result in long-term psychological problems and also put students under pressure while studying. In addition, pupils do may not learn social skills as not being they are not able to spend time with friends or go to some other events.

In addition, allocating some time to other activities while studying has some benefits. Firstly, students get refreshed after these activities and they can concentrate easily. On the other hand, students brains get tired if they study constantly. As a result, they feel tired and lack energy which makes it difficult for them to concentrate all the time. I believe that students who spend more time with books gain good knowledge but to learn other skills, such as team work, they have to participate in activites like sports. On the other hand, giving some time to extra activities doesn't does not mean that students have to focus on that but their main priority should be education.

In conclusion, although it is necessary to give more time to books while studying, I beilve believe that students should take enough time out for other activities to avoid any impact on their health, future life and study. Also, students should avoid overindulgence in extra activities.

Thanks in advance from bottom of my heart.

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COMMENTS
Organization / Coherence

You have some problems in your second paragraph. You have this topic sentence:

In addition, allocating some time to other activities while studying has some benefits.

So I would then expect all the paragraph to be about the benefits of doing other activities. But then you seem to start talking about a topic that would fit your first body paragraph:

students brains get tired if they study constantly. As a result, they feel tired and lack energy which make difficult for them to concentrate all the time

If you look you compare and contrast twice in this paragraph using 'on the other hand'. It is going to get confusing if you start mixing up ideas like this, switching between benefits and drawbacks. I had difficulty following what the main ideas of the paragraph was.

I think if you keep it short like this it would be ok:

Firstly, students get refreshed after these activities and they can concentrate easily, whereas students brains get tired if they study constantly.

But if you start writing too much about the negative things it starts to look like it does not fit with your topic sentence, and you are repeating the topic of your last paragraph.

Your body paragraphs must focus on what you have specifically said in your thesis statement:

1. Reasons why students should spend some time doing other activities


2. Reasonw why their main attention should be on education

Your first body paragraph fits the first one, but your second seems to repeat it rather focusing on the benefits of spending most time on education.

To fit with your thesis, I would have expected to see a topic sentence something like this:

Although other activities are important, it is still necessary for students to mainly focus on their education (give reasons why).

Using Transitions

You can't use a transition to join sentences like this:

they have a sedentary lifestyle, as result, students are at risk of being overweight

Check out this lesson on transitions to see how to use them properly.

Short Forms

Don't use short forms like this in academic writing:

doesn't

Pronouns

Make use of pronouns rather than repeating the noun too much:

To begin with, spending all the time with books can lead to many health problems. For example, spending most of the time with books it can be stressful,

Furthermore, students who spend more time with books are not active and usually they have a sedentary lifestyle; as result, students they are at risk of being overweight.

Overall though, your writing is easy to read. You don't have too many serious grammar errors, and you have some good vocabulary.

You also have a clear introduction and conclusion.

Just try to be careful with the organization of ideas as in the second body paragraph and try to make it as clear as possible.

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