IELTS Sample Writing Task 2:
Spending on Sport or Education

by Lenur Toshpulatov
(Termiz, Surkhandarya, Uzbekistan)

Governments should spend more money on education than sport.

Do you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that almost every field has developed significantly over the past few decades and it is visible in both sport and education system. At the present time, many countries around the world are spending more money for developing of sport rather than education. As many people have claimed that the goverment should spend great proportion of money on education system. While, other believe that expenditure of money on sport’s development by the government can bring more advantages for developing of this society.

First of all, no one can deny that education system has an important role to improve people’s life. Of course, expenditure of money on education and modernizing of school places or developing teaching system are the wisely way to developing of society due to the gorment have to spend more money on education system than other systems.

Secondly, moreover, sport has vital influence to easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way when powerful leaders are trying to control world’s economy and other goverments are fighting over land. Because, every four years whole world stops to watch sporting events such us, Football World Cup and The Olympic Games. These events can be the main example that which system can gather all nations together even for a short time. According to the research the time when these events were holding the rate of crimes were decreased sharply. Moreover, everybody forgets their problems when starts these events. Consequently, spending more money on developing sport is the best way to easing international problems among people.

In my opinion, expenditure of money on education or sport it will be useful because, both education system and sport they have own great and an important effects in our life development that is why the government should spend equally money on both systems.

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Corrected Version:

There is no doubt that almost every field has developed significantly over the past few decades and it is visible in both sport and education system. At the present time, many countries around the world are spending more money for on developing sport rather than education. As Many people have claimed that the government should spend a greater proportion of money on education system, while others believe that expenditure of money on sport’s development by the government can bring more advantages for developing of this society.

First of all, no one can deny that the education system has an important role to improve people’s lives. Of course, Expenditure of money on education and modernizing of school places or developing teaching systems are is the wise way to developing of society due to the fact that gorment government has to spend more money on education system than other systems areas.
(This is illogical – you have said it is the best way because the government has to spend more on it. Have you misunderstood the meaning of ‘due to’?)

Secondly, moreover, However, sport has a vital influence in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way when powerful leaders are trying to control the world’s economy and other governments are fighting over land because every four years the whole world stops to watch sporting events such as the Football World Cup and The Olympic Games. These are events that can be the main example that which system can gather all nations together even for a short time. According to the research, the time when these events were holding held, the rate of crimes were decreased sharply (you should not really say this unless you can specify where the research came from - it will look like you are making things up in order to find support). Moreover, everybody forgets their problems when starts these events these events start. Consequently, spending more money on developing sport is the best way to ease international problems among people.

In my opinion, expenditure of money on education or sport it will be useful because both education system and sport they have their own great and an important effects in our life development. That is why the government should spend equal money on both systems.

FURTHER COMMENTS

This is better than the other essays you have done, as you potentially have some good ideas.

But you need to be careful with how you present them, and you need to be careful with your complex sentences.

Complex Sentences

As many people have claimed = You are using ‘as’ incorrectly.

while other believe that = You are using ‘while’ incorrectly too

Because, every four years whole world stops to watch sporting events such us, Football World Cup and The Olympic Games. = This is incorrect.

You are writing fragments.

These words make complex sentences, so they are used to join clauses, but you are writing them as one clause.

It would take too long to explain here, so do an internet search to check how to write complex sentences and what fragments are.

due to the government has to = If you are following ‘due to’ with subject and verb it should be ‘due to the fact that…’

Clarity of Ideas

You must explain your ideas properly. For example, in body paragraph 1 it is not enough just to say we should spend on schools because we can modernize them. Why is modernizing them good for people and society? You need to explain.

And try to avoid making very broad statements such as 'everybody forgets their problems'. Some people may, but I'm sure everyone doesn't.

You can use words such as 'some', 'may' etc make things less certain.

Thanks

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